We were down at my mom and dad’s this past weekend and as I was laying there watching Peanut sleep I knew I should probably be up doing things around the house; laundry, helping mom make supper or anything other than sitting there. But he’s so peaceful when he sleeps and anyone that knows Peanut knows he isn’t still often and certainly isn’t quiet often. SO… I laid there; watched him sleep; snuggled him and fell asleep myself.
This sweet little boy came into our lives almost 3 years ago. I should have known he was going to be a handful when he came 3 weeks early. At the time, I think I worried about loving him as much as I loved Monkey. Maybe a mom’s heart just grows bigger when there are multiple children because I know my love for Monkey didn’t change and here was this little Peanut that I loved as much as I did Monkey. And watching Monkey with his little brother, that love was instant. They are complete opposites in a lot of ways (Monkey is more reserved/Peanut is very outgoing, Monkey has always been a good eater/Peanut well, not so much, Monkey is my rule follower/Peanut well, not so much) but their love of each other is unconditional and amazing.
He was 7 months old when his big brother was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. He didn’t realize it but on that February 1st his life changed too. It was no longer all about mommy and Peanut bonding and feeding. I wouldn’t say he was cast aside because I would never let that happen but prior to the diagnosis I would get home from work and it would be all about him, even his big brother was all about him. After the diagnosis it was all about how was Monkey’s day, how do we get supper made fast enough so that we eat on time for Monkey, what things should we try differently with diabetes, etc.
Mommy guilt is real my friends. My guilt use to be because of my job outside of the home. Believe me, I still have plenty of that but I also have guilt within my own home…..am I giving enough of myself to Peanut. I have to be available to Monkey so much of the time to manage his health that now I worry that Peanut isn’t getting what he needs from me.
Probably why that little mischievous grin can get him out of trouble and why some how he manages to get jelly beans (even though they are organic, they are STILL jelly beans) for snack and with supper more often than I like to admit. Probably why, at 3, I still pick him up and do pretty much anything for him if he bats those long lashes at me and asks ‘Pease’.
In my head I know he is fine and has all the love he needs from his parents but my heart worries. Sometimes those worries are quieted especially when I see how close he is with his brother and, at 3, how proud he is of his brother’s progress. As we drove home, Monkey took another shot in the tummy instead of the bottom (another milestone) and Peanut started clapping ‘Yay bubba’, I know we are doing something right.
It’s all under control, just not by me. At the present moment, I have to trust that GOD is in control.